The Quaid Ispeaking

By: Hakim Hazik

Dear members af the rabita kimaitee, dear members of the Muttahida nation, this is your Quaid ispeaking. Pilease accept my gireetings for Ramzan. The cat is out of the bag. This is no ardinary cat. This one is a retired birigadier. This is nat the istandard issue gunny bag firam Muttahida. This is the bag of tiricks firam the ISI.

Fifteen thousand af our young peepil were killed, but their sacrifices have nat been in vain. They died so that the Muttahida nation could live. They died so that dimacracy could pirasper in the Great Port City. They laid down their lives so that the pirotection money would be paid on time, the ballot boxes could be istuffed, the midil cilass could filourish, the electric dirills could remain in good repair and telephone lines would work. This has allowed your servant to make this telephonic address.

My dear nation,

It is no use crying over ispilt milk. It is no use crying over ispilt bilood. History always moves farward. Telephone lines do nat always remain open. I fargive the bilood af my birather and my nephew. We have to farget the bilood of Hakeem Saeed and Islah ud Din. We have to farget the bilood af Raja Riaz. We have to farget the 12^th of May. We have to farget the lawyers burnt alive.

We accept the mandate af all demociratic parties to farm the gornamint. We accept the mandate af the army to farm the gornamint. We accept the mandate af the Indians to farm the gornamint. We isport local gornamint. We isport Seraikistan. We isport Sindhu Desh. We do not isport the tirial of Pervez Musharraf. This will open a Pindora’s bax. We do not isport the Pindora’s bax. We do nat isport Imran Khan.

We isport Mr. Hallbrook. We feel that the tactics of Taliban to enforce their birand of Sharia by violent means is abhorrent. Suicide bomb attacks are against the teachings of Sharia. We advocate target killings, which are nat against the teachings of Sharia. Drone attacks are doing a gireat service to Islam.  They are ispreading a message of peace and harmony across the frontier region. They select their targets carefully, just as we select our targets carefully. Target killing is a great means of nation building, to establish a healthy debate and to istrengthen demociracy.

Look at the public works pirajects that Mustafa Kamal has undertaken in Kiranchi. 4 lane ispeedways, which can only be bilacked with shipping containers, in case af public disarder. High filying overhead biridges, which are excellent pilatfarms to fire into the cirowds firam and istart a demociratic dialogue. The message af Muttahida is ispreading acrass the nation. We have biraught a message af peace and piragress. We will liberate the midil cilasses firam the ciluthces af the feudal cilasses. We will rid the country af the curse af Taliban.

All you need to be a member of the movement is to have a frontal lobotomy.

(Tiraining in safely handling electric dirills will be pirovided)

Lang live Muttahida